mind reading and messed up ideas
Friday, July 30 at 10:35 AM

so, i had about half of a post typed up...telling you all about how i've been feeling and how i've not even known exactly what i've been feeling. then i went and read shua's post from yesterday...and he says it all way better than i do. and yeah, he reads my mind on a consistent basis. it's a bit scary...okay, not really.

this statement by shua basically sums up where i've been for the last few days: "I wake up... restless and unsatisfied... and if one of you asks me what the problem is, I probably couldn't even tell you in some lucid statement." just ask karla. utter chaos in my head. and the few things that i knew i was dealing with...had no clear answers. no steps to take in order to have clarity.

now, i obviously pray about these things. not enough...but that's another story. i still struggle at times with the mindset that i have to be a certain way for God. that i have to trust completely and have no questions or frustrations. that He is somehow disappointed with anything less. but here's the ironic thing about that twisted view of my relationship with Him...He already knows. angry? He knows. confused? He knows. desperate for truth? lonely? upset because i'm not getting what i want? He knows. He knows. He knows. and He is not disappointed. and i don't have to work all of my issues out before i come to Him. He wants me to seek Him in the midst of it all so He can lead me. why is that so hard to comprehend? i'm not sure...i just know that somewhere along the way i bought into the idea that i need to be perfect to be pleasing.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:1-3

i asked Him. and i know that He will answer. all i have to do is obey.