on matters of the heart. (if you're one of those people who thinks i shouldn't blog about such things...then stop reading. but seriously, it's not about any specific relationship or person in my life. just random musings on the subject.)

lately it seems that everywhere i go, every conversation i have, every blog i read is about love, the heart, broken relationships, questions of pursuit, should i or shouldn't i, does she or doesn't she, do i or don't i, etc., etc...

normal questions, especially for us single folks. and i've had a lot of things going on in my own head on some of these matters. so i'm gonna try to organize my thoughts about it all and pour it out right here. hope it makes some sort of sense. here goes...

love is mysterious. we try and try to figure it out, but we can't and we never will.

love is a choice. it is not something that just happens...you have to allow yourself to love. however, i do think there is an element of divinity in it that is beyond our control. i believe (and i'm no expert obviously, so i could be wrong) that the love God designed for a man and woman to share for a lifetime has supernatural qualities. that whole "you just know" thing...that's God in it i think. and that to me implies more than just a choice...it's that sense that you can't NOT do it. (and i guess you must still choose to be obedient, but you get what i'm saying hopefully.)

love (or our twisted idea of it) can leave as quickly as it came. in several conversations the last few weeks, i've listened to friends talk about their feelings for a special someone. feelings that they are sure about. no questions...and then later, i've talked to them as they are struggling with whether those feelings are really real or not. or i've seen a person obviously crazy about someone, but also entertaining the idea of being with a person totally different. and then, two days later...the total opposite. we've all seen it. we've all felt it. one day--total bliss and certainty...the next-utter confusion or even complete repulsion at the idea of that very person who was the object of our affection just the day before. our hearts can be FICKLE. and that really scares me.

it scares me...and i don't believe our hearts were meant to be given away like that. i just don't think that God intended for us to survive a string of broken hearts and deep wounds before we find "the one." i know that personally, i love deeply and it's hard to let go. i don't see this as a negative thing. it seems that when i'm married, this quality will be beautiful in the context of that relationship. that would seem to be how God designed it. if He wants one man and one woman to be together throughout their lives (and i certainly think He does), then it makes sense to create our hearts to love completely, unreservedly, freely...and not to let go easily. it's when we give that sort of love away before its time that our fragile hearts are broken and wounded, and we find ourselves trying to still believe in the sort of love we desire deep within. (of course there are other scenarios...i'm not saying this is the only way hearts get broken. sometimes love is given away at the proper time and it still leads to serious hurt.) it's almost as if our hope for that true love causes us to love too easily...and that loving too easily leads to broken hearts...and the broken heartedness makes us skittish about loving...and before we realize it, we've turned love into something it was never supposed to be--scary.

of course, the flipside of this is living life so intent on not being hurt that we never allow ourselves to really feel anything deeply. and that must be just as unhealthy, i would assume. building walls so high no one can climb...might keep the heart intact, but it'll also never allow it to feel, and grow, and flourish.

i don't know if any of this is making sense, i just felt like i needed to say it...because God's been dealing with me on these issues and i'm trying to understand and allow Him to reshape my thoughts and feelings about it all. honestly, lately i've had to stop myself from feeling like He's holding out on me. like the love He designed me for is something i have to earn. that is just so wrong. i'm constantly reminding myself that singleness right now is not a punishment. He's not holding out on me.

He's. not. holding. out. on. me.

(wow...so yeah. please refrain from the "you're so great. God will bring you the right person at the right time" stuff. 'cause i am most definitely sure that will happen. and i really am good with where i am right now...i'm just voicing observations. hope you're feeling me on this one, and i'm not sounding like a total lunatic.)