it's complicated.
Friday, April 7 at 8:55 PM

i'm not exactly sure why i can't seem to write anything on the blog these days. everything seems too personal for some reason...maybe a little too revealing. and actually, i think there are a lot of factors at play in the lack of posting.

for one, i was in sort of a weird place there for just a little bit. i won't go into it, but we'll just say i had a lot of emotions to sift through and a lot of soul searching to do. don't read into that, wasn't anything to do with where i am, what i'm doing, etc., etc. life has been--in almost every single way--incredible lately. there's just this one issue that has affected my sense of worth and confidence in ridiculous ways. and i think i'm disgusted more at myself and how i LET things affect me than i am at what actually went down. but either way, i've been dealing with some crap on a personal level...and i'm a woman, so that has carried over into every part of my life. therefore, even though my life really has been amazing...i had a hard time for a while really, truly enjoying it. and so i didn't wanna blog. because seriously, who wants to read about that stuff?

secondly, i've just grown a little tired of the internet thing. and yet, i'm amazed at how i'll say that but still get online first thing in the morning and last thing at night. i heard someone talking one time about how backwards our generations are...we LONG for community--real, honest, life-changing relationships. we need hugs, accountability, and shared experiences. but we seek these things in large part over the internet, the phone, text messaging, etc. and many times we feel like we've found a community that way. BUT WE'RE STILL ALONE. we sit in our houses, miles (sometimes thousands of miles) from the people we consider to be friends. and i'm sure many of them are friends. but when we seek community in this way...why are we surprised when we're still lonely? i'm not trying to get in a debate over the validity of relationships built or maintained online--that's not my point. but personally, i've grown a bit weary of the whole thing. i don't want to feel connected to people by reading their blogs or whatever...i want to actually interact with them and share my life with them.

finally (and almost definitely most ridiculously), i think i've been hesitant to say anything of any substance lately almost out of spite. listen, i know there are a lot of people that read this thing for various reasons...some of whom i'm sure i don't know or seldom talk to. that's the nature of the deal and that is fine. but when i know for a fact that certain peeps check this thing pretty frequently--but will purposely not have anything much to do with me (for whatever reasons)--i get a little ticked. it's like i feel cheated. i get nothing...but they can still know about me and my life by reading this blog. i know it probably sounds crazy to most of you. that's okay. i'm just being honest.

so, now that i've said WAY more than i intended...i think i'll stop.