have you ever found yourself holding back? for whatever reason, you don't allow yourself to act or speak in a certain way. maybe you've decided that it's best for you to do so. maybe you think it's easier for others if you do so. maybe everything seems utterly complicated. maybe you're just a complete coward.

i've been thinking about that a lot lately. and i don't want to hold back anymore. i want to say what i feel. i want the people in my life to know how i feel about them. i don't want to wonder 10 years down the road what might've been different if i'd made my true feelings known. but, even more than that, i don't want to keep robbing those i care about of truly knowing me. we're not guaranteed tomorrow, so what's the use in worrying about that? but today...i can do something about today. i can start loving on people the way i want to love on them...without concern for how they'll love me in return. i can speak up when i wanna speak up...i'm not sure why i stopped doing that so much, but i don't like it. i can stop overanalyzing every single detail of life and just go about the business of living it.

honestly...who do i think i am? God?

because really, who decides who we are as people? who creates us uniquely and specifically for His purpose? who determines the steps of our lives? who designs us to love and care for others more than ourselves? yeah, you got it. He does. i have absolutely nothing to do with it (thank goodness). i know i would screw it up completely.

i say i trust Him. it's time to really live that out and stop pretending like i've got everything figured out. pretending is exhausting.

(if this post makes no sense or seems a little random...just go with it. i know what i mean, at least.)

**update--today at newspring,
lee led us in a song called all to you. one verse of the song says "i'm living my life for You. i'm giving everything to You. not holding back, but every part. i'm giving it all to You." not holding back...hmmmmmm. yeah, i got it Jesus. wow. i've not only been holding back with my peeps here on earth, but i've been holding back with You too. dang. i'm so thankful for moments like that that...moments that could easily be omitted, details that don't really have to be so amazing...but somehow the God of the universe cares so much for me that He orchestrates each second to show His love--even in the seemingly small things. just so good.