so much on the mind and the heart these days...

dad is doing awesome. he even got to come home for a few hours yesterday since it was easter and my mom's birthday. so nice to see him out of the hospital and looking good.

i really want to say thanks to all of you who've poured out your love and prayers over these last several weeks...it has truly been appreciated. i am so thankful for the incredible support i have around me--from those i see on a daily basis to some of you whom i've never met (and probably never will).


and now it's time for a little transparency...

the last few days have been hard. for several reasons. things so seemingly insignificant, but yet completely unsettling. i'm sick of feeling like i'm just going through the motions...but that is exactly what life has seemed like for the last little while. just making it through with the hope that tomorrow will be better than today...that things won't hurt as much with time. and i know that i am learning and growing...God is using all of this for good. it's just not feeling so good right now...

funny (only not really) how everything reminds you of a person once they're gone. every place you went together, every song they sang to you, every conversation you had. you can be going about your business...mind totally off the person...thinking you are moving on...getting over the whole deal--and then that song comes on the radio, or you see them, or someone just casually mentions their name, or things that you had talked about doing together end up being done alone...and you're right back at that place, reliving the moments, missing their heart, wishing for something to change. but nothing does...so you just try to make it through, knowing that sometimes what's best just hurts a lot...

that's where i'm at these days.

just to catch you all up:

dad is out of the regular hospital now and in a rehabilitation hospital. he finally seems to be improving, but very slowly. apparently, two brain surgeries in two weeks can really take it out of you. and how's this for news that you're glad to get way after the fact? the neurosurgeon told us a couple of days ago that men in his condition have an 80% chance of not making it. WOW. that means his odds were 1 out of 5 to survive all of this. obviously, we are all extremely thankful that he is alive...and that they didn't tell us those statistics initially.

now the doctors say he should get back to where he was before all this drama, it will just take about six months or so. he's got a lot of work to do. can i just tell you how difficult it is to see dad lying in a hospital bed? it's just so unnatural. he's always been so active, in such great shape. of course, it's much harder for him to be there, not able to do anything on his own right now.

something like this really does make your life and your priorities shift. makes me want to just love the people around me and enjoy every second. i'm hoping to get better at that.

so, it feels like maybe i am finally starting to get through the really tough stuff...i've accepted the fact that no matter how much i might want to change certain circumstances, i can't. i've just got to give it up (and not just say that i'm doing that...really do it) and let God do what He wants. i mean, that's gonna happen either way...i might as well make it easier on myself and everyone else. of course, that doesn't mean that my feelings and hopes have changed...it just means that i've given the future up to the only One who knows what He is doing. and that feels so good.

Grand Design
I knew it all along that this day was coming
Even though I knew it doesn’t hurt any less
But somehow the suffering draws me to You
I could start running in anger
But then what’s the point of a Savior
I feel the pain but it still doesn’t change who You are
Nothing I feel is outside of the reach of Your arms
My whole world could crumble but all of the pieces remain
In Your hands that are waiting to put them together again
Just like I know You will in Your own time, in Your own wisdom
One day I’ll look back and see the grand design
Maybe it will make sense then, these questions I have
But with it all here front and center
Sometimes it’s hard to remember
I could start running in anger
But then what’s the point of a Savior
Jill Phillips and Andy Gullahorn

so, as you might have guessed...it's been a rough week. actually, i think it's probably been the hardest one i've ever experienced. i'm not trying to be dramatic and i'm not wanting anyone's pity...i'm just being for real.

i think it's the combination of circumstances that has left me feeling completely out of it and unsure of what to do with myself. situations that are totally out of my control are hard to accept sometimes (or most of the time, but anyway). there have been moments of laughter and lightheartedness this week and i've felt like maybe things are getting better...but it seems that not-so-good news has been around the corner at each turn. i'm just so tired of it. my mind is tired...my body is tired...and my heart is tired.

i miss myself, if that makes sense. i miss the loud laughing that people make fun of. i miss the smiling that happens so often (even if it might not be totally appropriate). i miss being excited and silly...just enjoying life and the people i am living it with.

but God is still God. He is in control...He is the only one who can fill me up. i'm positive that i've never been as desperate for Him as i am now. and for that i am thankful.

i'm ready to be on the other side of all this drama, looking back...and just seeing all the ways that He showed himself faithful. but i'm not there yet, so be patient with me.

and now my dad is back in the hospital...more fluid on his brain.

please pray for him. and the rest of the fam, especially my mom as she tries to keep it all together.

thanks.

but i trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
i will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
psalm 13:5-6

heart·break (härtbrk)
n. Overwhelming sorrow, grief, or disappointment.