i wanna be blind.
Thursday, March 16 at 12:11 PM

so, most days when i'm driving to work i pass this man on the side of the road. my route to the office takes me straight down a main highway here in town...one that is 4 lanes wide most of the way, at spots even wider. it is a well-traveled road. a main thoroughfare through a-town. anyway, i see lots of people on the side of this road. walking. running. jogging. whatever...you get the picture.

but this man is different. he catches my eye every time. i always pause and think about just how cool it is to see him in the morning.

this man is blind.

he is led every day by a seeing-eye-dog. he crosses streets, navigates busy intersections, and stays out of harm's way on this popular, and at times dangerous, stretch of highway.

every time i see him i think about what it must feel like to not be able to see anything. to rely solely upon the guidance of an animal. to trust completely that he will not lead you into danger.

every morning i envy this blind man. his faith. his total trust. because really...i should be just like him. holding on to the leash tightly. following without any idea, any sight, any hint of what's to come. resting in the knowledge that the One who's leading me knows exactly what He is doing, where i need to go, and the best way to get me there.

unfortunately, it's usually the blindness that frustrates me the most. i want to know what's coming (and when). i want to brace myself, or get my hopes up, or impatiently count down the days until things happen like i want. i want to have my way...and i don't want to wait. i want to see the future.

but if i know what's coming...then i'm in charge, right? i mean, if i see a car crossing the road in front of me, i'm going to figure out the best way around it--stop and wait, try to make it, walk right out in front of it, etc., etc. i want to see because i want to decide what i think about what's up ahead and how i want to react to it.

if i would just rest and close my eyes...i would hear the horns off in the distance, the birds singing in the air, the sounds of life as i breathe in deeply. i'd feel the breeze blowing against my cheeks and the sun as it shines brightly on my skin. i would experience every other sensation like never before as i give up my need to see. and i'd be at peace, knowing that the One leading me does not need my help. He knows where He is taking me.

i wanna be blind.

things i'm thinking about:
Monday, March 13 at 10:00 PM

*taking a break from the blogging thing for a while...perhaps for good. (i'm not sure. i guess we'll see.)
*tha beach. end of july. house with spiral staircase. all my favorite people. good times.
*how i didn't intend for the last post to come across as negative about anyone, except maybe myself. it's the whole scenario that never works. that was the point. oh well...
*dyeing (that word really doesn't look right to me, but whatever) my hair blonde. totally crazy, i know. but i've been contemplating it for a while and i just can't come up with a good reason not to...other than the chance that it'll look completely and ridiculously horrible. i'm willing to risk that...i think. once again, i guess we'll see.
*my best friend karl and how much i love her. for reals.
*how nice it would be to have a washer and dryer at the house already. too many dirty clothes up in here.

dear self,
Sunday, March 12 at 10:20 PM

let it go. it's done. move on.

it's not worth the time, attention, or hurt...honestly. it always ends. and it always ends badly. you deserve better.

and seriously, you want SO much more. stop selling yourself short.

you're really not asking too much to want an explanation and a chance to clear the air. but you obviously can't make that happen. you've made the effort...now you just forgive...and soon it'll be a memory that makes you go "what the heck was i thinking?"

God's gonna freakin' blow your mind if you'll stop thinking about what used to be, what could've been, what sorta almost kinda was...and allow yourself to dream again of what will be.

practice patience. wait for it. He's got you.

***"though it tarries, wait for it . . ." ( habakkuk 2:3 ). we cannot bring the vision to fulfillment through our own efforts, but must live under its inspiration until it fulfills itself. we try to be so practical that we forget the vision. at the very beginning we saw the vision but did not wait for it. we rushed off to do our practical work, and once the vision was fulfilled we could no longer even see it. waiting for a vision that "tarries" is the true test of our faithfulness to God. it is at the risk of our own soul’s welfare that we get caught up in practical busy-work, only to miss the fulfillment of the vision.***-oswald (a little out of context, maybe...but still truly powerful.)

(you need a reminder. a BIG one. this was the best one i could think of. exposing way too much, feeling a little stupid, hoping it makes you fully aware of just how ridiculous you've been lately...)


the cutest thing ever...
Saturday, March 11 at 2:08 PM

the cutest thing ever...
Originally uploaded by l to tha b.
seriously, she is.

it's okay to admit it.

my niece, nora.

hello all...
Tuesday, March 7 at 1:01 PM

just a little something to satisfy your blog addiction.

things i'm learning/realizing/facing these days:

*none of us know what we're doing. some of us are just really good at faking it.
*we are a big bunch of over-analyzers. seriously. let's relax already, okay?
*my life cannot be lived by anyone but me. nobody else is going to answer for my decisions.
*if i'm hearing from God on things, then He's the one to listen to...no one else.
*i've got lots of "opportunities for improvement"...by that, of course, i mean that i am human. i'm screwed up. the sooner i recognize areas/traits/reactions that need work...the sooner i can make needed changes (or at least try).
*it's easy to let another take the blame when things go wrong...but in all honesty, it's often just as much my bad. admitting that and asking for forgiveness is an important step in not repeating the past.
*accepting situations for what they are just makes everyone happier. trying to talk myself (and others) into believing things are not what they so clearly are is just exhausting and pointless.
*i don't have to know everything. i don't have to get it. i just have to listen, and be obedient, and love Jesus.

mmmmmmm...that's so reassuring.

He is wide awake.
Wednesday, March 1 at 9:48 PM

i love for Him to whisper to me at times when i really need some comfort, some reassurance, some reminder that He is in complete control of every part of my life.

and those whispers seem to come most often during worship...just singing, clapping, doing a little dancing (!)...simply opening myself up to Him in a real, honest, vulnerable way. these are my most favorite times with Jesus. He had something to say to me tonight during the first wednesday service (which was just amazing, by the way)...

i lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
my help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
He who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

(psalm 121:1-4)

He is wide awake. He has not lost interest, or gotten bored, or forgotten about me (or you). He knows what He's doing.

that's enough for me.