we're helping karl pull off a truly wonderful home group covert op for the clemson crowd...i'm sure it will prove to be full of much fun, funniness, and fungi. yes, fungi. seriously. i'll explain later (when there won't be any possibility of giving stuff away). hello weekend...i've been waiting for you.

is really getting on my nerves. i'm just sayin' is all.

so, i had about half of a post typed up...telling you all about how i've been feeling and how i've not even known exactly what i've been feeling. then i went and read shua's post from yesterday...and he says it all way better than i do. and yeah, he reads my mind on a consistent basis. it's a bit scary...okay, not really.

this statement by shua basically sums up where i've been for the last few days: "I wake up... restless and unsatisfied... and if one of you asks me what the problem is, I probably couldn't even tell you in some lucid statement." just ask karla. utter chaos in my head. and the few things that i knew i was dealing with...had no clear answers. no steps to take in order to have clarity.

now, i obviously pray about these things. not enough...but that's another story. i still struggle at times with the mindset that i have to be a certain way for God. that i have to trust completely and have no questions or frustrations. that He is somehow disappointed with anything less. but here's the ironic thing about that twisted view of my relationship with Him...He already knows. angry? He knows. confused? He knows. desperate for truth? lonely? upset because i'm not getting what i want? He knows. He knows. He knows. and He is not disappointed. and i don't have to work all of my issues out before i come to Him. He wants me to seek Him in the midst of it all so He can lead me. why is that so hard to comprehend? i'm not sure...i just know that somewhere along the way i bought into the idea that i need to be perfect to be pleasing.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:1-3

i asked Him. and i know that He will answer. all i have to do is obey.

i got nothing really. a whole lot of somethings that just add up to nothing. life has had a sort of detached feeling lately...like i'm watching a movie of my life instead of actually living it. weird, i know. but true.

(i hope this post doesn't seem negative or sad. it's not meant to be either...just to clear things up. i've looked back at other posts and thought "wow, that could come across completely different than i intended." so now you know.)

clouds are pretty. 

wow...how can anyone look at a sunset and not see God? 

so, i'm staying at my parents house (dogsitting for the week)...typing this blog entry on a semi-fancy computer that sits on top of a great old desk that my grandfather hand-crafted.  it's so sad that i really don't remember him.  only a few fuzzy memories remain...and they may be mostly the result of hearing those stories repeatedly.  i want to remember.  i want to be able to see a clear picture of grandpa, on the ranch in california, picking some oranges or pushing us on the rope swing in the barn.   i can almost see the time i tagged along when he took dad and darren  squirrel hunting.  (squirrel hunting?  oh, yeah...)  even though the details have become a little blurry, i know that the picture of me would be entirely different if my grandpa had not been such an amazing man. that thought brings me back to all the questions that have been dancing around in my head tonight.  i'll share them with you.   do you ever wonder... what you are really here for? why you are so blessed? why he can't open up to you? if God is disappointed in you? how life would be if you lived in a third-world country? how you're going to know? what relationships would look like if we were really real? how He loves you? what love really means? if life is really not that complicated? what you would be like if your parents were totally different people? what you will be most proud of when you are old? what you are supposed to be doing? when you are going to finally learn? what people think of you? how things went from Father Knows Best to The Osbournes? if we have missed the point entirely? how someone can not believe? what you will pass on to the next generation? how your life will change over the next five years? what makes you truly happy? what's stopping you? i know the answers to some of these questions.  others are a little more difficult.  but i've realized that it's okay not to have all the answers.  i'm not God.  i don't know everything.  i don't need to know everything.  and actually, i don't want to know everything.  but i believe it's healthy to ask...it's in the questioning that i begin to grasp just how magnificent He is.

alright folks, much on the mind. too much for you all to handle (or at least too much for me to allow you to handle).

i can tell you that i am gazing adoringly at the ipod shua gave me. it's so cute. and small. and fun. and also a paper cutout of an actual ipod, but whatever...i'll take what i can get. one day it will be replaced by a real ipod, if i don't talk myself out of it.

and i am fighting the urge to divulge some of the thoughts i'm having...but i must be strong. it's best to keep it private for now. *note to self...it's not smart to post when you're feeling all emotional and girly and stuff. stop typing. go listen to some lovely lovey music.*

pimps? strippers? booty dancing and ninjas? i am appalled! 

hi, my name is mcd...i like to strip for photos. 

shua is a pimp. fo sho. 

karl doing the universal dance (or something) while jonny karate shows off his mad ninja skills. 

fun things are on the way.

there are a precious few experiences that make me go "whoa, i need to take a mental snapshot right now and never forget this moment." and you might think it's the big occasions or ordeals that would motivate me to have these thoughts...but, interestingly enough, it usually happens at completely normal and unexpected times.

a snapshot of com·mu·ni·ty (sharing, participation, and fellowship)...

.this past saturday i slept until 11am. as soon as i had brushed the teeth and such, my cell phone rang. it was karl, informing me of a group outing to the infamous skin's (a local hotdog-making legend). i hate hotdogs. i just can't bring myself to eat them...but that is beside the point. we all met at skin's and enjoyed the redneckness together. (i ate a couple of buns with just chili, in case you were wondering.)

.after lunch, it was time to help shua move his new (and by "new," i mean "used-but-awesome-gift-from-a-friend") washer and dryer to the 220. it was great fun. when the boys were gone to drop off the dryer, we ladies amused ourselves by moving the washer as far as we could before they returned. we wanted to show them how strong and manly we are...or something. at any rate, we got things all done and dispersed briefly.

.one short nap (yes i said nap...so what if i had slept 11 hours the night before?) and a couple of phone calls later, we were at the pool. it was cold and cloudy, but we were determined to get our pool on. then we smelled the grill from the party next door...and dinner was at the forefront of our minds.

.so shua took the ladies (karl and i) to applebee's. we talked. karl danced the universal dance (not a table dance, though). i laughed. people stared. shua tried not to be so awesome. to complete the evening, we visited 31 flavors...where karl and i got to make faces at some adorable kid through the window. a fantastic day.

.nothing out of the ordinary...a day full of friends who have become my family. shared experiences. laughter. tears. genuine love and concern. i realized somewhere along the way that all these things are extraordinary...i am incredibly blessed. when the extraordinary becomes ordinary you know that life is good. no complaints. thank you, Lord.

(sorry about the hard-to-readness...i can't get blogger to indent or do anything else, really.)

the new ipod. scratch that ipod mini thing. i mean, they are pretty...but for $50 more, you get 20GB instead of 4GB (among other things). and for $150 more, you can get 40GB. so an ipod is the much smarter choice. maybe i can devise some scheme to make it cuter. now that i've got things all worked out in my head, i'll have to figure out a way to make it actually happen...

okay...i can't keep it from you any longer. robbie seay band has been rocking me all day, every day for the last few weeks...thanks to shua's itunes. must buy the cd after payday and rock out at home and in the car. jesus savior pilot me? incredible.

and it's certainly more than three sentences.

dang.

after trying all week to process my thoughts and find some way to effectively communicate them to you...i've realized it's just not gonna happen. there has been too much to take in recently. anyway, here's my attempt...

.charleston was, in fact, hellaciously hot. and beautiful. the highlight of the trip would probably be dinner at cypress, a sufficiently swanky restaurant downtown, and dessert at kaminsky's...the evening was capped off by some guy hitting on me when karl and i stopped in to hear a band playing at a quaint little irish pub. his line? "so, i was wondering if you had any gum?" ummm...what? is that the best you can do?

we shopped, we laughed at people on blind date in the hotel room, and we had a tiny slice of time at the beach. now...this description might lead you to believe that we had a relaxing trip. only not. the three of us were actually looking forward to getting back to a-town to rest. and even though we moaned about our lack of relaxation for a little bit, we could not deny that God had sent the three of us to charleston for a specific purpose...a friend in need of love, support, and counsel. it was hard. sad. frustrating. eye-opening. draining. apparently, a drama-free weekend was not what we needed...even though we thought so.

.several unrelated instances of drama recently have reinforced a couple of crucial points for me.
...the counsel of trusted Christian friends should be sought out, taken seriously, and acted upon (in most every case). usually, friends can see our personal situations with a great deal more clarity and objectivity than we are able to muster. and they are our friends, after all...that implies that they love us and want only the best, least painful, path for our lives. watching dear friends suffer the pain that can be caused when this type of advice is ignored has made me want to never, ever make that mistake again. and it has also made me appreciate the people in my life who are not afraid to tell me the tough stuff.
...the heart can be so fickle. emotions change quickly at times, and it is often hard to distinguish between what we want and what He wants. we have become so adept at deceiving ourselves that we will believe whatever suits our desires...almost. thank God that He speaks continually, even when we choose to ignore Him. and that He is patient with us as we come to realize that He is all we need. and that He has placed His Spirit inside of us to guide us...if we will only step away and let Him take the reins.

.and finally...i have to rant a little about something that has been on my mind for a while. why is motherhood often considered some sort of lesser calling? i know that a lot of you women understand what i mean, since i have discussed it with a number of you. it seems that many Christians these days (often men--not all men, of course...but some) dismiss this calling as inferior or not truly a calling. now, don't get me wrong...i do not think that all women are called to be mothers. certainly all women are not called to stay at home with their children and take care of the household. we all have unique, equal callings on our lives. no calling is less/more important than another. yet, many women (especially those of us who are single) are made to feel that saying "i am called to be a wife and mom, and support my husband," is not enough...like we are just lonely women desperately searching for mr. right. that may be true of some women (okay, it's definitely true of some women). but there are those of us who just know that we were created to be wives and moms. men, try to understand and respect where we are coming from ...and please don't assume that our calling means we have no dreams or passions. they're just different from most these days.

...lots of info, i know. hope you weren't completely bored, offended, or outraged. just some things that have been wandering around in my head.

crazy busy. names, addresses, dates, etc., etc., etc...(too bad the dates don't include a hott man and some good conversation. i'm just sayin' is all.)

i'll post something longer than three sentences tomorrow.

promise.

so...i'm sure i'll give some sort of charleston recap eventually. i can't go there yet.

in unrelated news...this cracks me up. kids' book is the best. ever.

my random thoughts today:

1. i want one of these. they're just pretty.

2. i have a few truly amazing friends. and amazing really doesn't do them justice. they rock. you know, the kind that aren't afraid to tell you what you need to hear...even if it may hurt. the ones who love you anyway when you screw up. and don't say "i told you so," even though they did. the ones who can make you laugh so hard you feel like you can't breathe. those special people who can make you laugh, smile, and cry...all at the same time. friends who make you feel more alive. i think i've come to appreciate them on a whole new level.

3. mountain dew really is the greatest drink ever. hands down.

4. emotions have a way of sneaking up on me...not all of the time, of course. but sometimes. and it's funny because i can spend hours talking about certain emotions. analyzing them, trying to figure out what to do about them, getting good advice from trusted friends. but then, every once in a while, an emotion just catches me completely by surprise.
i love it when this happens. and i wonder if these emotions are the truly genuine ones. when you don't have to overanalyze (which is apparently not an actual word, but whatever...) or figure them out. advice is not needed, because things just happen on their own. there is no stress or confusion. you just feel. God leads...makes me wonder if all the emotions that cause chaos are really just the result of me trying to talk myself into something that i know doesn't work, or vice versa. no big insight or conclusion here...just something that's been on my mind recently.

5. BOGO...buy one get one. get one what??

so...you should all go read shua's newest post from today. he writes good stuff. and he's just as awesome in real life as he seems in this imaginary world of the internet (okay, even better). go. now.

also, here's a quote i ran across today that i thought you all might enjoy. well, i enjoyed it...i don't guess it really matters if you like it or not. or something. i don't know who came up with it.

what we long for is not to long anymore.
the only one that completely satisfies is the one who created satisfaction.

i'm going to charleston tomorrow. me, karl, and suz are going to visit the one and only "dill cunningham." and by "dill cunningham," i mean our good friend erin. fun times will be had. many lasting memories will be made. friendships will be strengthened. craziness will ensue...

just in time. i think i've been craving a change of scenery. it'll be nice to get away for a few days and just relax...there really are no plans. no schedule. just hanging out with great friends, going to the beach, and eating at some swanky restaurant that requires us to dress up. now that is my idea of a vacation (or mini-vacation, if you will).

try to control your jealousy. i know it's hard.

so...blogger is not being slow and silly this morning. hallelujah! the fact that i am this excited about it is a little sad. but whatever...

okay...here is what i am loving today. i am loving how God answers prayers in the most unexpected ways sometimes. ways that i would not have chosen or asked for...which allow me to see Him at work even more clearly.

it was quite a weekend. difficult. frustrating. painful. and somewhere in the midst of all of the drama...peace. the knowledge that He had spoken, just as i had pleaded with Him to do. release from those feelings that have been dragging me down. a completely different perspective on some things. i'll take the drama every now and then if it brings such clarity.

it's funny how i can try so hard to talk myself into or out of feeling a certain way...and i am almost successful. but often there is still that last little bit of whatever emotion buried deep somewhere. then God intervenes. and all of a sudden (or so it seems) i see things in a whole new light. the truth that He has been lavishing on me all along is no longer ignored. i can see how wrong my idea of right has been.

i feel like a owe you guys a little bit of an explanation for yesterday's post. after reading (and analyzing) it today, i think it might sound just a wee bit dramatic. that was not my intention. i'm not dying (that i know of), no one i love is sick, nothing is terribly wrong in my life...i'm just tryin' to get over a boy. there, i said it. that is all.

moving on...there is much talk of ninjas and such right now. power rangers. the a-team. bikers. samurais. chicks with mohawks. if you would like to add to the discussion, just jump into the comments section from yesterday. it'll make you laugh uncontrollably.

i think it's gonna be a spiderman 2 evening and a notebook afternoon tomorrow (i haven't gotten back for the second viewing yet)...the office is closed on friday for our fourth of july holiday. yay for lazy days and movies that allow you to forget reality for a little while...