so...i'm feeling a little bit guilty 'bout the lack of posting going on. or, at least, the lack of posting anything of much merit...i don't want to disappoint all 5 of you who might read this blog occasionally.

there's much that i am learning and dealing with right now. most of it i can't (or won't) write about here. let's just say God is showing me that sometimes i have to make choices that go against everything i feel. for my own good. and i don't like it. telling myself "okay, this is what i have to do" even though i don't wanna...is difficult. but it's getting easier every day.

come and bring lots of friends! it's gonna be incredible!! (click on the pic to enlarge.) 

so, i went to see the notebook yesterday afternoon...quite an experience. apparently, there was a pretty severe storm while i was in the theater. about 40 minutes into the film, the power went out and the movie stopped...right when it was getting good. after a brief break, the movie came back on. with no sound. so, i watched the pivotal point of this movie with the lights up. in silence. people were not happy. getting their money back. leaving the theater. i decided to wait it out and hope for the best. after about 15 minutes, the sound returned...and even though it was frustrating, it wasn't hard to figure out what had gone on during the "silent portion" of the movie.

i'm going back to see it again tonight...i know, all the guys are rolling their eyes. and maybe some of you ladies are as well. i enjoy a good chick flick as much as the next girl. but they don't usually affect me the way this one did. men, you should all go see it. seriously. if you want to know how we long to be loved...go. now. i'm gonna stop there because i don't want to give anything away to those who haven't seen it yet. incredible...

5. the "bird" has now become quite commonplace...apparently, it is the new way to show someone that you love and respect him/her (at least that's what i'm choosing to believe). you can even email someone the "bird"...and by "bird," i mean flipping/flicking someone off, the finger, etc., etc. ,,|,,

4. t-shirts that say funny stuff rock. some of the best ones can be found here.

3. my friends obviously don't know how to fill out little surveys. whatever. i still love you all...

2. pms (and all its related maladies) is not fun. or funny. in fact, it is quite the opposite. it'll make a woman upset, sensitive, and just generally moody for no apparent reason. sorry guys. but it sucks even more to be us. trust me. i'm just sayin' is all...

1. i am completely, undeservedly, and awesomely blessed. i know this statement to be true. my life is amazing...i have incredible friends. a job that is an answer to prayer. and a relationship with Jesus Christ that blows my mind. yet i can still whine about things when i don't get exactly what i want when i want it (for an explanation of my whiney post from a few days ago, refer back to #2).

that's all i got today.

okay...so i'm gonna try something a little different. i've filled out this incredibly long survey (sorry!) for you all to read so you can learn more about me. read it, ignore it, skim it...whatever.

then, and this could be really fun if you want it to be, you guys can fill out the (much shorter) survey at the bottom. copy, paste, and email it to me (lauren.brown@newspring.cc) and i will compile your answers and post them if i get enough responses. be serious, be funny, be both...i don't care. just do it. (please?)

name = lauren fay brown
piercings = two in each ear
tattoos = none, yet…coming soon
height = 5’ 7” and something
shoe size = 10
hair color = brown
eye color = brown
siblings = older brother

[LAST...]
movie you watched = shattered glass
movie you bought = ummm…i can’t usually justify spending the money. i guess it was national lampoon’s Christmas vacation (i can justify that?..funny).
song you listened to = i win (abra moore…courtesy of mcdigital’s itunes)
cd you bought = soul sessions (joss stone)
cd you listened to = actual cd, not itunes? probably dave barnes…before i got waterdeep stuck in the cd player.
person you've called = shua…returned his call after two failed attempts in publix.
person that's called you = mom
tv show you've watched = what not to wear

[DO...]
you have a crush on someone = crush? i wouldn’t say that…
you wish you could live somewhere else = sometimes
you think about suicide = no. can’t even fathom that.
you believe in online dating = i guess it works for some people…creeps me out though.
others find you attractive = you’d have to ask them.
you want more piercings = nah
you like roller coasters = no (but i’ve really never ridden one, so who knows?)
you write in cursive or print = usually it’s a combo of the two

[HAVE/WHAT ARE YOU...]
ever cried over a boy = oh yeah
ever been in a fist fight = is this really a question? no.
shampoo do you use = aussie smooth
shoes do you wear = flops most all of the time
scared of = being 30 and single (can’t help it). death (i know there’s no need to be, but the forever thing freaks me out when i really think about it). people in spandex.

[NUMBER...]
of times I have been in love? = i guess none…thought i was once.
of times I have had my heart broken? = depends on how you define heartbreak.
of hearts I have broken? = maybe a couple…you’d have to ask the boys.
of times my name has appeared in the paper? = well, counting honor roll and all that crap…probably a lot.
of things in my past that I regret? = if i knew the number for that, i’d be scared. i’d like to say “oh, I don’t regret anything...it’s all made me who i am..” but there are a few things i would probably change if possible.

[DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...]
pretty = yes, pretty weird.
hot = no. i’m always cold. like, right now i have on jeans and a little zip-up sweatshirt and it’s 89 degrees outside (but cold in the office…at least to me).
friendly = yes, but awkward around people i don’t know…so i might seem unfriendly.
amusing = at times
loveable = i hope so…
sweet = generally
dorky = definitely. i love scrabble and crosswords…what can i say?

[FAVORITE...]
5 letter word = grace
Actor/actress = right now…john cusack (i just love him…can’t help it)
Candy = either kit kat or reese’s peanut butter cups
Cartoon = space ghost coast to coast
Cereal = go lean crunch (awesome…seriously)
Chewing gum = orbit wintermint
Color(s) = blue and green
Color nail polish = clear
Day of week = sunday
Least fave day = thursday…too quiet around here.
Flower = yeah, i don’t know what any of them are called, so i’ll just say yellow roses with the sorta pinkish red around the top of the petals.
Jello flavor = i can’t remember the last time i ate jello.
Jewelry = mood rings. ha.
Summer/Winter = summer

[PERSON WHO LAST...]
Slept in your bed = me
Saw you cry = ummmm, that’s a tough one. does getting all teary-eyed count? if so, it would be shua (weird). if not…ruthanne.
Made you cry = me and my unmet expectations.
Went to the movies with you = karl
Sent you an email = nick c.

[HAVE YOU EVER...]
Said "I love you" and meant it? = yes and no (refer to the other love question)
Gone out in public in your pajamas = college…everyone does that in college.
Kept a secret from everyone = probably, but i’m not good at it.
Cried during a movie = oh yeah. armegeddon makes me cry. what??
Planned your week based on the TV = no
Been on stage = yes
Been to New York = yes
Been to California = yeah, many times. born there. lived there for a little while.
Hawaii = yes, and i wanna go back right now.
China = nope
Japan = negative
Canada = don’t think so
Europe = no
Australia = no, but I really wanna go…

[THIS OR THAT?]
Apples or bananas? = bananas
Blue or red? = blue
Walmart or target? = target…all the way. that store makes me happy.
What are you gonna do after you finish this? = go hang out with jordybug and ry…the greatest kids in the world.
What was the last meal you ate? = lunch. sandwich, potato salad, and an apple.
Are you bored? = totally…i’m doing this survey aren’t i?
Last noise you heard? = the sound of my fingers hitting the keys
Last smell you sniffed? = vanilla clouds lip gloss

[FRIENDSHIP/LOVE]
Do you believe in love at first sight? = not really
Do you want children one day & if so, how many? = yes. i guess my husband and i will decide that…but i think at least two. three sounds good, but i’ll keep you posted.

[OTHER INFO]
Criminal record = um, no…does getting pulled over by a mall cop count?
Do you speak any other languages? = not at all
Last book you read = last book i finished? waking the dead. awesome.
Name some of your favorite things in your bedroom = comforter, art supplies, pictures of my friends

[YOU]
Nickname(s) = lb
Initials = lfb
How old do you look? = apparently, about 21
How old do you act? = depends
Glasses/Contacts = neither. 20/20 vision.
Do you have any pets? = a wienie dog, smokey…but he is at my parents’ house now.
You get embarrassed = rarely, but then it’s usually for a stupid reason.
What makes you happy? = so many things…here’s a few…children. hugs. lounging by the pool all afternoon on Sunday. photos. being creative. worshipping. laughter. traveling to new locations. being needed. hanging with jordybug and ry. encouraging words. knowing jesus.
What upsets you? = lateness. people who should know better. parents who don’t discipline their kids. dead churches. “Christians” who do more harm than good. dishonesty.

[FINISH THE SENTENCE:]
I Love to...sing in the car at the top of my lungs.
I Miss...erin.
I Wish...that every church could be as awesome as new spring.
I Hope...i get to travel to Africa one day.
I'm Annoyed by...how microsoft word keeps capitalizing words that I don’t want capitalized.
I Want to be...a wife and a mom.
I Would Never...bungee jump.
I Am Tired of...filling out this survey.
I Will Always be...learning…growing…following Christ.




1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think is my weakness?
8. Do you think I will marry?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

life would be so much easier if my heart would just do what my mind wants it to...and if my mind really knew what it wanted my heart to do...

just a thought.

giving my life up to God daily is amazing, and freeing, and sometimes really difficult. releasing my grip on things does not mean that my feelings change...and so i try to be patient and rest in the peace that comes from knowing God is in control. but it's not always easy.

i'm just tired. tired of trying to figure things out. tired of asking my heart not to feel what it feels. tired of waiting.

...but i'll do it. i know He is faithful.

the charleston crew...(i can't wait to go back!) 

you know how microsoft excel always scrolls down waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too far when you try to highlight a section?? i hate that. it makes me want to hit things. and i'm a pretty calm, laid-back person. today, i just needed to select a group of about 100 names...so i highlight the first few and then start scrolling down to get the rest of the list. next thing i know, i'm at #5341. and i try to go back up, but it's too fast (as always), so i'm back at #1. try again. #3674. seriously, someone should do something about that and make my life more pleasant...

this passage always blows my mind. God rocked me with it this morning...

Isaiah 53
1Who believes what we've heard and seen?
Who would have thought GOD's saving power would look like this?
2The servant grew up before God--a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
3He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
4But the fact is, it was our pains he carried--
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
5But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him--our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
6We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And GOD has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.
7He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
8Justice miscarried, and he was led off--
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
9They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.
10Still, it's what GOD had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it--life, life, and more life.
And GOD's plan will deeply prosper through him.
11Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
12Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly--
the best of everything, the highest honors--
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

lots of photos...'cause they make me smile. enjoy...

me, lanna, suz, and angela trying not to be so awesome... 

angela and me, lb. 

me and lanna...i love my friends 

my dad rocks. he is just so freakin' smart. and he tells the best stories...'cause he's pretty much been everywhere and done everything.

today at lunch he "randomly" starts filling me in on how so many seemingly small decisions had huge impacts on his life. he was relating how he was teaching at golden gate and a church had called him to be the pastor. everyone was on board and excited. and then the deacons had to vote on things. my dad was probably around 40 at the time...and still single. so, the chairman of the deacons decided that he thought it was unbiblical for a single man to be pastor ("husband of one wife" and all). okay. and dad says to me "well, that's a good thing, otherwise you wouldn't be here. at least not as we know it." soon after, he was offered a job in nashvegas...a job he really didn't think he wanted, but knew he needed to take...and you can probably guess what happened next. enter hot, younger woman. pursuit. marriage. and a few years later...well, i came along.

now, here's what came to mind as dad was talking...relating back to some challenging questions that mcd asked yesterday. the deacon dude's opinion had to be frustrating to many...everyone else was ready to call dad to this church. and some people might even say the church's decision was a mistake. but...didn't that "mistake" lead my dad exactly where God wanted to take him? i believe it did. and that means that God uses choices that may seem wrong or even unbiblical in order to fulfill His purposes.

i'm not even going to pretend like i understand how that works exactly...because when you really think it all the way through, it means that God's will includes sin, mistakes, and wrongdoing. and that goes against the commonly held view that God's will is all goodness, all right, all the time. but if He knew all of our sin before He created us, and He knew how He would work out His plan in our lives, then that says to me that His will includes all those things. it's one of those concepts i'll never be able to grasp, one of those isaiah 55:9 things...and that is comforting to me. i mean, if i could figure God out, He wouldn't be God...

fun times with bug in the back of jon's truck...cock-a-doooodddllle-dooooo!!! 

alright...here are the thoughts that keep running through my head today. am i missing out on some good conversations because of my blogging? is this just an easy way out for me?

i ask these questions for a couple of reasons. first, i know that it is usually easier for me to express my thoughts and emotions on paper or on this blog. it's how i am. i can write about how i'm feeling all day long...but when it comes to talking about those things, i can (not always, but a lot of the time) get all nervous and self conscious. i start to fidget or play with whatever is within my reach (even if it's a knife...sorry shua) and words are sometimes hard to find. it's a quality i would really like to change...or at least improve. but i have to ask myself how much change is going to take place if i just choose to write about my feelings instead. now, don't get me wrong, it's not that i never talk to anyone about my feelings now...i'm just concerned that i am sharing myself the easy way, instead of working through the uncomfortableness (nice word, huh?) of the other way in order to get better at it.

...which brings me to my second point--i think that all of us bloggers and blogger readers have to be careful not to let this internet fun replace real connection. i am concerned that there may come a day when i don't need to ask my friends what they are learning and going through...because i will have already read about it on their blogs. it's really a catch 22. this blogging thing is great because people can read what you're thinking (especially convenient for those friends who are far away). but i think it has the potential to take something special away from friendships (especially with those people you see every day)...there is just no substitute for honest, face-to-face discussion.

so, i'm not sure what these things mean for me...i just wanted to share them with you all. and let me just say that this little blog is a slice of my life. sometimes i share completely what is on my heart...and sometimes i can't do that. if you really wanna know everything that's going on in my head and in my heart, you must be crazy...no wait--i mean, you'll just have to ask me.

i just noticed how much i use the word so...

so, lately i've been thinking about what makes people attractive. why do i find some people more attractive than others? and i'm not just talking looks here...whether seeking out a relationship or a friendship, there is always this element of attraction. here's one dictionary definition...endowed with extraordinary personal power to excite the feelings and to win the affections; inducing attachment. what is it in others that wins my affections and makes me want to know them more? of course there are many factors, but it seems to come down to the individual...

for example: i can make a list of traits that i want in my husband, but that's all it is...a list of traits. a piece of paper outlining those qualities that i think i need in a mate. it doesn't take into account the fact that i will choose a person to spend my life with. a person. a man. a living, breathing, imperfect child of God. and he won't possess every characteristic that i might have thought i needed. and he will mess up. and even when all those things happen, i will still look at him with more love and respect than i ever thought possible...because he'll be real. he won't be some fantasy that i have created in my mind. and i won't be disappointed that i can't check all the items off of some list. because i won't be settling...i'll be choosing God's best for me.

so, if it's not a matter of this man meeting every little need or want, then it must be dependent on something else. on this seemingly random phenomenon known as attraction. i will find the soul and the heart of this man completely attractive...and that attraction will blossom into love and respect. and that love and respect will cover over any "flaws" or weaknesses.

there are so many areas of life where i want to know and understand everything. realizing that i can't put God in a box and i can't get my mind around His ways never ceases to blow my mind...i cherish the clarity that comes as i see how all of these "undefinables" in life (like attraction) are simply God working behind the scenes.

so...last night lili and i (see picture below) had a girlie extravaganza. target (greatest store ever), papa john's (what about those breadsticks?), and a chick flick (totally unrealistic, feel-good entertainment). it was supposed to be craft night, but we forgot it was memorial day and most places were closed...that project will have to be finished another time--wait for it. (wow, look at all those parentheses...)

but the funniest part of the evening had to be the last half of a show that we caught after the movie...the one that got away. apparently, this one guy had about 6 or 8 old girlfriends/crushes/makeout partners willing to compete to win his heart. ummm...okay. so, following the trend of all the "reality" dating shows these days, he takes them all out on romantic dates in an attempt to figure out which one he wants to keep around. just extremely weird on so many levels...and such a cowardly way of deciding to pursue someone. man, just figure out what/who you want (as much as possible) and then go for it...and in case you're wondering, he chose this girl who has been a very good friend of his for a while. they hadn't ever had the "spark" thing going on, but after he began to think of her in that way and pursue her...things totally changed. funny how that happens.

yeah, so...moving on. realizing that the most important/confusing/frustrating situations in life usually don't have some set formula to follow is both comforting and frightening. it's frightening because it means relying 100% on Christ and not on myself...and it's also comforting because it means relying 100% on Christ and not on myself. living in the freedom that only He gives is amazing...

sidenote...when i did spellcheck on this post, the dictionary didn't recognize makeout. i mean, what does makeout mean anyway?...the suggested alternative was maggoty...hahahahahaha.

me and my incredibly fabulous roomie, lili...